The time is 9.05 am. It’s a Friday morning and I should have been sitting in lecture room 1.01 attending my microeconomics lesson. Microeconomics is probably the toughest among the entire UOL modules. An unflattering passing rate of 56% for full-time students and 36% for part-timers, it requires full concentration and attention when the French lecturer is going through the rocket science-like notes. Even then, more than 50% of the students will not grasp the concepts being taught. Why am I sitting at Starbucks now writing away then? I know I won’t be able to concentrate on the lesson at all this morning. It all goes back to last night…
It was the 3rd combined rehearsal last night and the first time that the FPA committee sits in for the full run of the show. The two directors of Spilled Milk, Glarie (If Only) and myself (Chasing The Wind) were excited at the prospect of showing our first official group of audience the fruits that were bearing from the seeds we have been sowing for the past couple of months. Yet everything went wrong… wrong and wrong in their eyes.
Don’t get me wrong. There was nothing wrong with the cast or with their performances last night. They were brilliant and deserve every applauses from everyone at the audiences’ seats. Although in there are still rooms for improvements. The jigsaw puzzle is fixed together already, and all we need is to polish it, sandpaper it and perhaps add some varnish as well.
Both Glarie and I were branded as demanding. Don’t get wrong again. Demanding, not as in demanding even more, or a lot more from our cast, but demanding as in demanding recognition for everything we had put in: the time, the effort, the hard work, the brain juices into our respective plays. I’m not shy to claim that we deserve it in our own rights.
Who are we? Both Glarie and I are merely students in SIM. Normal full time students like anyone else in their early twenties. We are both the EXCOs of Film Performing Arts Club (FPA), and Glarie himself holds an even higher pose: Vice President.
I don’t think anyone will fully understand the amount of efforts we had been putting in since all the way back in July. From writing the scripts to directing, blocking the stage to molding the characters and planning the multimedia to designing the lightning. If you don’t suffer from short-term memory, we are merely students in SIM, not some professional directors. We are not paid! We are doing it for our passion and interest, and the performance represents what we have been doing since day 1 of writing the scripts. By our own rights, it is our work! No one can take it away from us! Is it wrong to ask for recognition? Are we being demanding? Lastly, are we really being appreciated?
Appreciation? What’s appreciation? I suddenly have no idea how to define it anymore. At this point of time when I’m writing this, my mind is suddenly blank…
About two months ago when I was planning for the photo shoot of my cast, I was introduced to the idea of using ‘black’ as the theme. Dark coloured clothes, smoky eyes etc. My girls didn’t have any dark coloured eye shadows and so I went to shop for the required make-ups. I am someone who will not compromise on standards and thus spent $60 on those cosmetics. I admitted it was a little insentive of me to spurge out $60 on the make-ups which eventually gave a huge headache to the already limited funds FPA has to work with. I’m not trying to act noble or anything, but when I saw how much problems we were facing with our accounts and the limited budgets, I ended up telling a white lie. I told the committee that I needed those make-ups back after the play and told them not to charge it under FPA’s account. Instead, I will pay for it myself. I’m a guy. Do you think I need eye shadows? Do I need eyelash curlers? Do I need blood-red lipstick? You get my point? I’m not rich. I have got $8 left sitting in my POSB bank; have a paltry sum of $4 in my wallet. I’m now sitting at Starbucks drinking water from my water bottle, because the coffee there are damn expensive… haha, I hope they don’t chase me off! But if that sum of money can ease our budget problems, why not? In the end I was glad that my little action has added grease to our accounts. Anyone appreciate what I’ve done? Not even a simple ‘Thank You’.
I was introduced to a friend two weeks ago who could help me do the editing for a video clip to be used in my play. We didn’t know each other beforehand. Everyone who has seen the clip only have one word – impressive. I know how much time and effort my friend, Christine had put in. It’s not an easy job, especially when I was the one who did the filming. Haha, my filming skills sucks! Yet Christine managed to use her expertise and knowledge to transform… a piece of shit to a gem. The important thing is, even though she spent one whole week of doing the editing, staying up the whole of Friday night to polish it up, and spending the whole of Saturday with me to finalize it; she refuses to charge me any money. That brilliant piece of video cost nothing! I felt indebted to her and tried asking for a free ticket for her since she will be coming to the play with her friends. I thought that would be my way to show my gratitude towards Christine’s kindness. But till now, I’ve yet to receive anything regarding that free ticket. Anyway I’ve dug out $13 from my already under-nourished wallet buy a ticket for her as a gift.
So about a month ago when the committee was discussing the token of appreciation for Richard Chua, who is supposed to guide Glarie and I in our course of directing, I asked the golden question, “What about Glarie and I?” They didn’t know how to reply me on that day and thus I didn’t press on. Until last night, then they finally reveal to me that the question I’ve asked was too much, that I’m demanding too much. It is alright if those little things I’ve been doing escapes everyone’s eyes, but after last night rehearsal, the performances from the cast… can’t they tell how we started with nothing, to something that is definitely worth paying $13 to watch? Perhaps if they were present for all the rehearsals since day 1, they would have understood.
Like the old say goes, “it’s the thought that counts.” I’m not expecting anything expensive as a gift or token of appreciation. I don’t care what is being given to me, be it something that’s worth just a dollar or two. Instead, it is the recognition I’m asking for. It is about the director being recognized by the audience that this play is his work, his ideas, his creation. Perhaps it’s not easy to understand and feel it unless one is in the director’s shoes. I believe that is the reason why Glarie strongly shares the same sentiments with me.
Last night rehearsal was concluded with Glarie and I left outside the rehearsal while the committee did an evaluation on us. Evaluation? Are we being hired? Is there any respect? What about the trust? How will the cast perceive this as? From what I know, the feedbacks were pretty good. I learnt that I was kind and patient… and erm… inspiring. I didn’t dare accept the last comment; I feel that it’s too big a word to be used on me. I really do thank God for giving me such a ‘godsent’ cast to work with. They are people who trust my direction, my vision and my ideas. They are a bunch of wonderful people to work and have fun with, and I really really love them. It sounds mushy, but yea, I love you guys lots, Anvita, Desmond, Pamela and Vivien.
I said this to my committee last night, “You guys think I’m demanding? Yes. I am demanding and I’m not shy to admit it. I want people to recognize what I’ve done, what I’ve put in for my play. I want my recognition. Face value to me is nothing!”
I totally meant what I said when the words came out from my mouth. Yet a few hours later, it seems that this recognition doesn’t matter so much afterall. Recognition should come from appreciation. Appreciation should come from the heart. It’s no use receiving any tokens when I know that it is just a means for them to please me. I want something that is real.
Ok, despite of all my ranting, I want to say something that comes from the bottom of my heart. I really appreciate and am thankful for what FPA’s committee has been doing for the last few months. The admins, the accounts, the budgets, the sales, the publicity, the marketing, sponsorships, negotiations with SIM managements etc. I know myself very well. If I’m being tasked to do any of these, I will definitely screw it up. I don’t have the capabilities to achieve the standards that the committee has reached. I’m always in awe of their efforts and abilities and totally respect them for their professionalism. Same goes for Ying Tze, my stage manager. Without her, I would have been dead. I can’t see myself performing her role. She’s doing a great job and I just can’t express how grateful I am to have her working with me in all the rehearsals. Usually when I have a little meet-up session with my other SIM friends like Jeremy and Ivy, and when they asked how the production is coming along, I have nothing but praise for the FPA committee.
I’m always a neutral person. I don’t believe in anything that is strictly right or wrong. Everyone has their own opinions and perceptions. This issue of recognition is subjective and it is difficult for everyone to see eye to eye with one another. This is why Glarie and I see things from the director’s point of view, while the rest of the committee sees it the other way. In the end it’s just a coin with two sides. You either see the head or the tail. It’s tough, if not impossible to see both at the same time. Aren’t we humans afterall?
Lastly I want to thank this special Person in my life. Lord Jesus, thank you for guiding me through all the difficult times I’ve face in my course of directing Chasing The Wind. You gave me the strength to go on when every time I fall. You gave me abundance of grace and love which brought me back up again. You taught me how to direct and You gave me the wisdom and the vision. You have never given up on me. Thank you Lord Jesus, by my faith and Your grace, I shall excel. I love You.
PS: If anyone reading this happens to be a lecturer, care to give a grade for this essay? Erm… more like thesis… =p
