A True Beauty

Was surfing online and chance across this forum which had a discussion on 'Unconventional Looks'. Below is a post by Katcrux. I'm really impressed by her. Here it goes...

I am about as "unconventional" as a woman can look. I am six feet tall, I wear a size 18-20 (though I have been as small as a 12, and as big as a 28), with shoulders like a linebacker. I have uncontrollable true-red (almost orange) hair, freckles, and a neanderthal-like ridge in my forehead. Every day, I have to pluck, shave or otherwise remove lots of hair from my chin, upper lip, and the side of my neck, because the stubble reappears within hours and is very dark against my pale skin. Years of yo-yo dieting and a bout with bulimia left my skin loose and ashen, and I have deep, dark stretch marks on my arms, legs and stomach. My hands and feet are leathery and rough no matter how much lotion and spa treatments I have wasted my money on, and I sweat a lot no matter what my level of activity is.

I am only 23, but I look much older because of the wrinkles around my eyes and the general way I carry myself. I have experienced a lot in this short time on Earth; a childhood in a family characterized by poverty, drugs, and every kind of abuse you can imagine, an adolescence in a high school in the "rich neighborhood" where I was the "White Trash Ogre" even to some of the teachers, and finally, a marriage that ended with me being dumped so they could pursue someone with "less baggage".

Am I beautiful? of course not! But that's okay! I have embraced the word ugly, and now I even kind of like it. To me, my ugliness is my sheild. I know when a person is talking to me, they aren't doing it to get into my pants or get a close up view of my breasts. Those that ignore me because of how I look only save me the trouble of ignoring them later, because who wants to know someone that shallow? The really cruel ones don't really effect me anymore. You do get used to it after a while, being made fun of, and even physically assaulted. (yes, it happens. I was once pelted with dog feces and barked at by two GROWN MEN at a bus stop while others nearby tried to hide their giggling. And I have lost count how many times I have been shoved, had food thrown at me, or just been smacked in the head and laughed at by total strangers in public places).

I think if I looked different, if I was "pretty", or even "average", I would not have as much wisdom, and I definately would not have as keen an awareness of how cruel the everyday person on the street can truely be, and that is dangerous information NOT to have. I may be jaded and cynical, but my eyes are wide open, and I wouldn't have it any other way. This is not to say that pretty or average looking women are not wise or street smart, but I definately feel that I have gained a lot from being on the fringe of what can even be considered "human-looking" (more than one person has said I look like an Irish Setter, a Shar-Pei, or the Jolly Green Giant, and in some cases, I am a cross between all three of them!).

We all know true beauty shines through from the inside out; that intelligence, compassion, loyalty and ambition can all show through once you get to know a person, but the sad fact is, those qualities will never be as appriciated as a pretty face, because they require actual thought on the viewer's part. And the eye of the beholder can be surprisingly lazy.

Mr Nice Guy - my theory

Over the last couple of weeks, I had many chats with Verrill, my good brother for about 10 years. While chatting and pouring out our thoughts and ideologies, we came to one conclusion. It’s tough being a nice guy. Mr Verrill Choo feels that he should be awarded the “Best Boyfriend Award” for all the shit he has put up with despite how he has been treated so unfairly in erm... (I won’t disclose it, so don’t worry Verrill) While for me, he said he will award me with the “Stupidest Guy Award”! Ha, I know I am and not one of my close buddies deny it. It’s just that they don’t blatantly say it in front of me.

Being a nice guy? What does that mean? Basically I only have one answer to that. That is, giving in, giving in and giving in still. Forgetting about yourself, about yourself and about yourself still. The Mr Nice Guy (MNG) will be the armor against whatever missiles, bullets or knives that come threatening. In military sense, the MNG is the first line of defense, almost impregnable. This is due to the commitment to a cause that a MNG believes in, and in turn, leads to the undying willingness to absorb whatever peril, precipice or even land mines. MNG always stand on just a thin layer of ice.

Are MNGs easily being taken granted for? I won’t say that they are, but we can’t deny that they will be conveniently used by people. MNGs are generally harmless, well they can’t bring themselves to hurt the people they like or love. MNGs are always there, waiting patiently. Whatever that’s churning inside their minds, they will accept it (or at least try) and absorb - like I mentioned earlier, all the fucking shit thrown onto them. In short, they pee against the wind, rather themselves than others. It is stupid yes, being nice compliments stupidity. You start caring about others and thus generally not giving a single worthy thought to yourself. Sad to say, MNGs can end up being short-term or backup options to people.

What happens when the thin layer of ice breaks or melts? Well, there’s a lot of uncertainties. Some MNGs will learn to become jerks instead, some when fallen, pick themselves up and replay the same role all over again. Not all ice will give way though. Verrill is still standing firmly even as it did threatened and trembled furiously. Mine gave way and I’m still stuck holding my breath in the ice cold water.

Me to myself

Dear Valiant,

It is time for you to change. Stop being so impatient, and demanding from yourself. Fast-pace doesn't always brings about efficiency and productivity. There's no point having very high expectation of oneself, you just fall harder that's all. Stop being so detailed and analytical towards everything. Possibilities are endless and one will end up thinking and worrying too much about something that doesn't even exist in the first place. Lastly, stop being overly ambitious, quick-tempered and self-deluded.

Valiant

P = M

Procrastination = Masturbation

You will feel good in the begining, but in the end, you are just screwing yourself up!

Haha, was in office just now and this is quoted from Jordan.

On a side note, I'm still feeling stupid and foolish.

I just want to say...

Spent Sunday afternoon watching Sweet November. It's a story about how 2 persons falling in love with each other, yet can't be together. I sort of expected the ending, perhaps because...

Today is my 1st official working day in Walton International. I'm very excited about my prospects and believes that there's a lot to come. My managers and my fellow team were great. Even the hot chrysanthemum tea in the little cafe in Walton taste good!

Well, so that you know.

New Journey

We were meant to meet
And meant to part
No regrets about us meeting
No hard feelings about us parting
We will look back at our magical moments
That perhaps no one else can have

We renew ourselves in each other
Found back the feelings that were once lost
Our lives are rejuvenated
By even the simplest things we have done

It's a new break
A new dawn
A new day
I won't be sad because I know
We will still smile when we meet
For we ended on a beautiful note

Someday

I promised to write a song titled 'Someday' for someone. Here it is...

Lying on my bed
I look at the clock
As the hands turn, oh turn

For it will be my healer
Feel like twisting back
Both the hands of time

To see you again
For I don’t know when we’ll meet
Ever again

Perhaps someday, we will meet
Somewhere in a park, oh yea
Perhaps someday, we will meet
Somewhere in a mall, oh baby

A telephone call
Not sure if it is
What I’m hoping for
‘Coz I don’t know what to say, anymore

Perhaps someday, we will meet
And even Bon will still remember you
Perhaps someday, we will meet
Eating that same Ben and Jerry’s

If I may recall
The times that we’ve shared
Twenty four hours, in our arms
And I’m still glad, what we’ve had

Perhaps someday, we will meet
That will be the time when you’re thinking of me
Perhaps someday, we will meet
That will be the time when you feel like calling me

I pray that you’ll find
Your perfect guy
Be a perfect lover
And start falling in love again, someday

So my journey sort of ended last night. The last week was devastating for me, went throught lots of downs and a couple of ups too. I don't really wish to speak or explain about it anymore, anywhere. Whatever it is, I'm ready to let it go and start living a new life and having new directions. It may sound easy but I know it will be tough on my side. I'm an emotional and sentimental type of guy so I guess it's going to be even harder. Thank you for everything, I've gain lots of beautiful memories. Then again, I've also lost... something also.

I want to thank a few of my good buddies, Verrill, Jordan and Samuel. Thanks for being sensitive to my emotions for the past week and trying to help me in whatever sense you guys can. I appreciate it a lot!

Will start working in Walton International as a consultant next Monday. Hopefully I'll throw all my attention into my new job, wait... I should throw in some to my studies as well.

Lost and Found

How often have you lost something, cry over it, and then finally found it back again? I didn't dare say I have, but at least I'm going to cherish what I have now. There's no point looking into the future and worrying about things that you don't even know that might happen or not. Tomorrow I might meet a car accident, the next day I might get crushed by a fallen tree and another day I might just slip and fall down six stories of stairs. Whatever will happen to the future somehow or rather is dependable by the present. Whatever is going on in the present is the cause and effect of the past.

I hope you will understand this (though i know you won't be reading this) and we can cherish what we have now and enjoy the moments that can be so pure and simple, yet so beautiful and marvellous.

Rainbows may not last, but I will climb up to the sky and paint a new one when everytime it's gone.

Found and Lost

I found something that is so real and beautiful. Something that could be so magical, with potential to fulfil our dreams.

I finally fell asleep at 8.30am and woke up at 12noon.

When I woke up, I felt I've lost a huge part of myself; those mischevious grins and foolish smiles; the strength to lift up my head as I walk; the will to even open my eyes to half as big as they are.

For a 'friend'

I am glad at least in my life I have found someone.
Though she may not be here forever to see me through, I have found strength in her because in my mind she will stay always.
I love her in a place where there is no time or space.
I love her all my life, even as a friend of mine.

End of the road

It's the end of the road as we know it
I'm feeling lost
My legs are heavy, I'm just dragging them and walking aimlessly
My hands are weak, I cannot feel any sense of touch anymore
I can cry no more, my tears are exhausted
I can feel my heart beating no more, my body is cold and numb

Smith mints, Ben and Jerry's ice cream, walking Bon, Hard Candy, cooking maggie mee, the cooking pot... and finally our song; Life is Wonderful

Meeting Mark

After leaving St. James Power House, Verrill introduced me to his friend, Mark. We then settled down in a nearby The Coffee Club. We ordered our drinks and then Mark started to tell us about his experiences with different relationships in life.

He’s 35 this year, a divorcee with a 6 year old girl. He currently has a girlfriend now. It is impossible to list down everything he has said to us on Saturday night as I have no idea how to go about translating them onto paper. The point is, after he had shared his perspectives and experiences in life, I suddenly felt that what I have and had gone through is nothing. If we look around carefully, there’s always problems that are bigger and graver and that we won’t be needed to be burdened by them. I felt like a little kid all of a sudden when talking to him, and the feeling of “it’s just a small problem” kept visiting my thoughts.

Regardless, I felt so much better after hearing some ‘words of wisdom from an older guy’. I felt like my heart has opened bigger and became wider. I felt refreshed and rejuvenated.

Lastly, I realized that perhaps time plays a very important role. You can meet the right person, but you can't afford to meet her at a wrong time also. Still, I will pray that what had been so beautiful will not come to a waste.

Lord, grant me divine favours!

Colours of my life

Colours have been added to my life. Be it the bright colours of red, blue, yellow or green; be it the dull colours of black, white, grey or brown; these colours have painted a picture in my heart. These will be the colours that will bring both gladness and sadness, colours that will enrich my life experiences. Colours that will be my teachers, and colours that will allow me to understand myself more.

Say Only

Words are cheap? How true is that really? Are words merely just lip services? Do actions really speak louder than words?

One of the commonly used phrase in our daily speech is ‘I don’t know’. Think about it, how much do we really not know about what we claim as ‘I don’t know’. By saying that simple phrase, are we just pushing aside the truth? Or rather, are we just refusing to accept the truth that can be so apparent?

Humans are intelligent. It is just a matter of us thinking deeper and trying to comprehend the things around us. We all have our senses; to see, hear, smell, feel and finally, speak!

The most common tool used to communicate among humans is by talking. But don’t we use our eyes to see, ears to hear, nose to smell, hands to physically, heart to mentally, feel, before we utter a word? Most of us will probably not realize this as this process may take even less than a second. Our minds are probably already busy trying to construct the sentences that are about to be released from our lips.

Readers, this may sound silly, but the words that come out from a person’s mouth can either be real or fake. Duh! However, the point is, even if it’s fake, don’t we all still have to go through that process of using our senses to conjure an idea to be presented by our speech?

It is not about our words being the truth or just a lie. It is not about, truth and lie, which is better and why so. Neither is it about if humans should try to detect every lie in every word spoken by the others.

Sometimes, talking can be like tearing apart a feather pillow. With all the feathers flying around, it is near impossible to try to pick up each and every feather and put them back into the case again.

I’m sitting in a library now, and there’s a ‘Silence is Golden’ sign on the wall in front of me. Silence can be powerful, and at times, silence can make a sound too.

Isn’t it important to only speak what we want to say, be it the truth, or just a lie.

featured

ok, just realised that i'm being featured on AsiaOne =)

http://wineanddine.asiaone.com.sg/unwind/showtime/20070104_001.html

The Rainbow

So there we were, lying side by side. I look into your eyes and I can’t ask for anything more. We held our hands under the blanket. The air is cold, yet our bodies are warm. Outside the window lies darkness. But our hearts are illuminating fire, from the sparks that only we know come from where. Hoping sunrise will never arrive so we may stay like that forever.